Authoritative lobsters

I don't know if it was my sore shoulder, a long weekend with things to do or stress about looking for work.

For some reason I found my self quite grumpy. My authoritarian side took over without me really wanting to.

Some Background

According to Prof Vishton, there are three broad categories of disciplining.

1. Authoritarian
2. Permissive
3. Authoritative

An authoritarian parent often thinks or says, "Do what I say because I told you." and "Do it now." (!)

A permissive parent does not say much or do much until the kid is about to kill himself.

An authoritative parent tents to give reasons to the child along with the instructions.

According to research, authoritative discipline styles tends to produce the least amount of questionable behaviour in the teen years.

So I have been aiming to go authoritative.

Back to being grumpy.

So we had to run around a bit this weekend. Jimmy had his second birthday, and we were invited to a few events with our extended family and friends. I found myself being short of time. And when I am short of time I have no time to give reasons.

Not to someone who asks 40-100 "Why" questions a day.

I caught myself barking instructions to Sam on a number of occasions.

Stand still.

Wear your shirt.

Put on your shoes.

Rub in sunscreen.

Get in the car.

I would say I have natural tendency to take on the authoritarian style of parenting. It seems more efficient. And often I think, kids need to learn to obey. And follow instructions. Yeah. And kids need to honour their parents, so that it may go well with them and that they may live long in the land (Ephesians 6 says). That's what I tell myself.

But lately I have been thinking that fast is actually slow. And slow is actually better. 

Lobsters in the restaurant

With the help of my wife I stopped and reflected on my grump in the couple of hours between events today.

This reflection proved to be handy over dinner.

We were out at a chinese restaurant to celebrate Jimmy's birthday.

Sam had finished his dinner and was keen to look at some lobsters. He is always excited to see them, and went on to shout across the restaurant to me. Over a couple sitting in the middle.

"Daddy, daddy, can I show you something?"

"Daddy, come here!"

I said,

"Shoosh! This couple is on a date. And you've just made the man put the ring back in the box!"

Actually, I explained to him that the man and lady wanted a quiet dinner. And they cannot do that if Sam was shouting loud. I finished my dinner earlier and walked with him to check out the lobsters. No sweat. No showdown.

I took him outside and had a little run around. We were noisy. And then I showed him quiet. And then we went back inside.

It's much easier to get short term compliance by saying do this. Don't ask why.

But long term kids need to know why. They are curious to learn about the world. 

And they need to understand the relationship between what they do and how that impacts on other people.