When you're ready

I had to make a decision - to keep trying or to give up.
Sam had to make a decision - to keep trying or to give up.

Sam gave up.
Then I gave up.

Giving up was the best decision I made in a while.


...

Sam loves hearing me read.
I've been wanting to "encourage" him to take the next step.
Sam is at the stage where he is so close to being able to sound out words by himself.
So this evening, while I was tired (yeah, Mistake #1) I thought he could have a go.

So the book a Thomas the Tank Engine book. It was titled "Sir Handel".

Sam got "S-i-r".
Before he tried the second word, Sam then gave up.

I tried to nudge him to try but he would not.
For some reason I decided that he had to at least try, or we would not read the book tonight.
Mistake #2.

To me, this was an important lesson too! You've got to at least give it a go!
(It seemed so reasonable at the time.)

...

Sam was distraught. He wanted to go to bed. He didn't want to "Read", at least not how I was showing him.
I was over it too. I knew he could make every one of those sounds.

When he eventually settled down, I asked him, and he said he didn't like reading!

Warning. Danger. Warning. Danger.
I stopped in my tracks.

Moments later, I decided to do a complete backflip on my decision. I perked up, smiled at him and said, "Sam, let me just read this story to you tonight."

NO! Sam didn't want to go through the trauma again.

I read the title of the book out loud. "Sir Handel".  "S-i-r H-a-n-d-e-l".
Sam laughed. A laugh of relief.

I kept reading. And Sam sat with me as I read.
We finished the whole book. He loved it.

...

For a moment this evening, I was about to trade in the boy's delight in reading for a stupid challenge I made up on the spot.

I didn't mean to exert pressure to push him along. But I quickly found myself doing that exact same thing.  

...

Sometimes it's better to let things go at their natural pace. And that's the fastest way.

"No I am not your children"

I had the most bizarre argument with Sam the other day.

As per our evening routine, I was reading a picture Bible to Sam. On this particular day, we read about Abraham. God had promised Abraham lots of descendants, as many as the stars in the sky.

I proceeded to ask whether I had any children. Sam paused. He didn't say anything.

So I said,

I do have children. You are one of my children, Sam.

No, I'm not! 

(what???) Yes, you are. And Jimmy is too.

But I go to kindy and Jimmy goes to Gymboree! I am not your children.

You can still go to kindy and Jimmy can still go to Gymboree, but you are both our children.

But I don't like to go to work. I go to kindy.

!!!




Baffled and not keen to confuse both of us even more, I called it for the day.

I got worms

Before two weeks ago, Sam would not touch worms. 

He just would not. No matter how much I insisted.

We went camping with our best friends and their kids over that stinking hot 41'C weekend.  

The mums found worms out of the grass, by the tap. 

So they gave them to our children to play. 

And here they are, holding and talking about worms. 

Wow!

Unfortunately I was too busy screwing around trying to put up the tents and didn't notice how the mums did this. They made it look so easy. 

Not daring anyone. 

Not forcing anyone.

Just pick it up and talk about it. And let them choose to touch it or not.

I think that's how it goes. 

You can't brute force curiosity into young explorers (or anyone).  I learn this time and time again.

Did I mention we had spaghetti after that? The boys ate heaps.

I think the dishes were washed in the same water too. 

Camping is great for dads. And kids. Not great for sleep. Small price to pay.

Kinda impatient

So Sam has been using a few new words I've been trying to teach him.

Sam was excited we were going camping.
Sam knew it was kind share with Jimmy.
Sam learnt that daddy can be impatient* with him. I'm working on that. So far, each time I ask him to forgive me, he does.

They are far from being in his vocab. But he is beginning to know what they mean. I give plenty of examples.

----------------
impatient*

So this evening, I parked the digital camera on the bed side table because Jimmy is having this moment with mummy, and I wanted to catch that on video.

Sam finishes his milk and I ask him to take the cups and put them on the bench. In doing so he knocks over the camera, and lands on the floor.

SAM!!!
I shout in distress.

Obviously knowing he did something that displeased me, he swings his arms as he calmly and light heartedly apologises, not knowing he is still holding cups with leftover milk in them

Sorry daddy.

SAM!!! Watch the milk!

The poor boy wanted to pee now. I know he did not need to pee. He wanted to get out of the situation. Who wouldn't.

I did find the balls to say sorry to Sam and how I was wrong to blame him. It didn't stick because he wanted to move on to read his bedtime story. Will try and talk to him more tomorrow. It's important for a man to know his shortcomings and to admit them.

----------------


One thing I have been patient about is coming up with ideas for a book to my boys.

Whenever I've had arguments with my dad, I've thought about writing down a series of notes, titled "this is not how you connect with your kids".  I never got to composing those works.

This could be different though.

There is a growing circle of people around me who just might support me to write this.
Assuming I only have boys, and that I might have more kids who are boys, or that I might not have any more kids, it will be called something simple like, "Be A Man".

Sort of like "Fakts" for those who watched Harvey Krumpet. But more fundamentally useful. 

Here's a fairly young bloke who have started to figure things out. Not bad for a 28 year old Alden.

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to-be-a-real-man/

Heck I'm still figuring that stuff out. 

2) I still find it natural (and easier!) to blame people for my screw ups.

3) I'm getting better at being on time but I do like to milk that last minute...

7) How to relax... Sigh.

The point here is - a lot of things in the book are by no means mastered by the author, but my hope is in the process of writing, the author has a better chance at mastery.

They say EQ is just as important as IQ.

Sam can now name all the planets.
Ok, he needs help with the first letters for Mars and Neptune.

That experiment worked quite well. Overall I have been encouraged by how much Sam responded to the different ways we explored Space and Rockets.


--------------------
Today we read a book about 'feelings'. Sam knows three quite well:
happy, sad and angry.

In the next few weeks I'm going to try and work on showing him
jealous, kind, patient, impatient, contented, anxious

Though these are not all 'feelings', the extra vocabulary should save him and his parents some frustration down the track.

Here goes. Do keep me accountable.



You can comment you know.
Don't all rush now...
----------------

Authoritative lobsters

I don't know if it was my sore shoulder, a long weekend with things to do or stress about looking for work.

For some reason I found my self quite grumpy. My authoritarian side took over without me really wanting to.

Some Background

According to Prof Vishton, there are three broad categories of disciplining.

1. Authoritarian
2. Permissive
3. Authoritative

An authoritarian parent often thinks or says, "Do what I say because I told you." and "Do it now." (!)

A permissive parent does not say much or do much until the kid is about to kill himself.

An authoritative parent tents to give reasons to the child along with the instructions.

According to research, authoritative discipline styles tends to produce the least amount of questionable behaviour in the teen years.

So I have been aiming to go authoritative.

Back to being grumpy.

So we had to run around a bit this weekend. Jimmy had his second birthday, and we were invited to a few events with our extended family and friends. I found myself being short of time. And when I am short of time I have no time to give reasons.

Not to someone who asks 40-100 "Why" questions a day.

I caught myself barking instructions to Sam on a number of occasions.

Stand still.

Wear your shirt.

Put on your shoes.

Rub in sunscreen.

Get in the car.

I would say I have natural tendency to take on the authoritarian style of parenting. It seems more efficient. And often I think, kids need to learn to obey. And follow instructions. Yeah. And kids need to honour their parents, so that it may go well with them and that they may live long in the land (Ephesians 6 says). That's what I tell myself.

But lately I have been thinking that fast is actually slow. And slow is actually better. 

Lobsters in the restaurant

With the help of my wife I stopped and reflected on my grump in the couple of hours between events today.

This reflection proved to be handy over dinner.

We were out at a chinese restaurant to celebrate Jimmy's birthday.

Sam had finished his dinner and was keen to look at some lobsters. He is always excited to see them, and went on to shout across the restaurant to me. Over a couple sitting in the middle.

"Daddy, daddy, can I show you something?"

"Daddy, come here!"

I said,

"Shoosh! This couple is on a date. And you've just made the man put the ring back in the box!"

Actually, I explained to him that the man and lady wanted a quiet dinner. And they cannot do that if Sam was shouting loud. I finished my dinner earlier and walked with him to check out the lobsters. No sweat. No showdown.

I took him outside and had a little run around. We were noisy. And then I showed him quiet. And then we went back inside.

It's much easier to get short term compliance by saying do this. Don't ask why.

But long term kids need to know why. They are curious to learn about the world. 

And they need to understand the relationship between what they do and how that impacts on other people. 

Who is the pupil?

I've been looking forward to sitting down and blogging.
Work was such a drag compared to my weekend at home with the boys. I missed them lots.
There's so much to learn and master at home, but work seems stagnant and mundane.

When I got home from work, Sam today started the conversation by telling me the first planet is Mercury. Then Venus. Then "Errth". He didn't get Mars. He was quick to get Jupiter and Saturn though. Looks like our diagram has been helping him remember.

At this stage I have not focused too much on the last two planets. We briefly touched on these the other day.

I struggled to convincingly teach the boy how to say, Uranus. I taught him the more controversial version which sounds less restrained and uptight (imho). When I did this, Sam quickly ran to his Thomas the Tank Engine boxed set of small books. He searched and searched. And I was left wondering why.

He found the red book on Rheneas. "Like this one, daddy!" he said.

I realised that day how little he depended on visual phonetics. Most of the things Sam learns is by listening and recalling sounds.

How amazing that kids can hear a sound a couple of times and replicate it with such precision. And to have the courage to say it wrong, over and over. They are so naturally "whole-hearted".

For many reasons, including this one, I begin to think we have at least as much to learn from kids as they have to learn from us.

Experimenting on my kids - getting excited

I normally get pretty excited when I meet people who like the things I like.

I got really excited when I found out that Sam loves space. Rockets. Planets.

If I haven't told you I'm into this stuff - I am into rockets. I made my own sparkler rocket in Yr 7. The whole grade got excited cause I got them out of class. The teachers hand them lined up on the oval for my homemade rocket launch.

I wish I had a photo to show you. Mz Kilminster or Mrs Quade, if you are reading this, would you send me that photo?

When I went to the United States in 2008 I got to check out the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida:

From the telescope at the closest observation deck. I would just miss a shuttle launch... by a few weeks so I couldn't stay.

That Saturn V rocket is massive

Been talking with blokes at work about education - and I've been feeling more and more responsible for the raising of my children. Heck if that's my job then I'd better learn to be good at it.

I've been reading from Dan Pink's "Drive", "Scientific Secrets for Raising Kids Who Thrive" and that Sir Ken talk. The big idea that joins all this is: how to cultivate people's intrinsic drive to learn. This is the most effective and long term method to develop people who can think outside of the box and who are most likely to excel. Especially kids:  Keep it fun. Keep it interactive so it sticks.








So I decided to experiment on Sam.






Hypothesis

1. It is possible to intrinsic interest in Sam, in a short time using relatively simple techniques and tools available around the home.
2. A by product of this interest is retained knowledge and further desire for knowledge acquisition in the area.

Process
So for a week or so I've been laying it on thick.

1. I used an old gift voucher at a little book store. Found a $8 book about a rocket trying to find a nice place to live. Ok, the planets are not exactly in the right order but he loves that book. We have already lost the cardboard rocket that came with the book.
2. I played Sam this video of the space shuttle launch and this Space X grasshopper. He had so many questions like, "Why there's ice?" and "Why it lands on the ocean?"
3. On Saturday (for our weekly adventure) we took the boys to the Planetarium. Sam got to see model rockets, and he could name Earth, Saturn and Mercury (with a bit of help). 
4. I repainted the blackboard next to the kitchen (it was a job left from at least a year ago) and the first thing I put on that was... the solar system, sort of to scale. Alright, the sun is way too small. 
5. Sam went out and we found some asteroids. These are little rocks we could blu-tack onto the board. 4 was enough - but Sam wanted more.
6. I dug out a relic from my childhood "treasure box". In this box I keep all my good toys that I would hand down to my kids, and bring out bits as they are ready. I got out the space shuttle. This thing has wheels and it goes forward until it finds an edge, and then a hidden wheel at the bottom spins the shuttle to the right so it does not fall off the edge. Ingenious! Any way Sam got the shuttle for being a good listener. It was a hit.
7. I took out a remote controlled Lamborghini Aventador we got from China. Ok, not related to space but it was so fun.

See the asteroids? They have not fallen off yet.

Hanging out with the Russian who set up the cosmoneaughts.

My old relic of a space shuttle.

Conclusions:
Too early to tell?

I'm so looking forward to more rockets and space. Oh and Sam is too.








Have you got any ideas for me to try? Feel free to send me an email or add a comment.

Putting it together

So I had to put some furniture together and was about to ask my wife to take care of the kids.

"Can you take Sam?" She said.

Sam never liked me using the drill. Ever since we could remember, Sam found blenders and drills intimidating. They were too noisy.

Plus he would get in my way - disrupt my flow. I had a lot of furniture to put together so I can get back home and spend real time with the kids.

As I was finding a way to get out of this burden that was thrust upon me, I recalled another bloke who told me how he often gets his THREE kids to help him out in the yard.

"I can do this." So I told myself. I'll just have to find a way to keep Sam out of my way.

So I set up some toys and some cardboard that Sam would play with. And he got started with rolling a ping pong ball through the Ikea box tunnels. That lasted no more than 2 minutes.

"What you doing daddy?" and "I don't like the drill - it's too noisy!" were met with my

"Uh-uh!" and "Don't touch that!"

Eventually I realised I could not convince him to play with his toys. Sam wanted to play with what  daddy was playing with.

Is it really possible to have the boy "help" me?

It took me some time to find out he was good at finding bits for me.

I'd ask him to get me a short screw, and then 5 more while I got the first one in. And then 8 dowels for the next step. What a champion! He was really useful. And then there were the nails. I'd set up some nails - tap then partially into place so they don't move and they're straight. And then he'd go back and hammer them in for me.

And the drill. I got him to press the button. He didn't like it at first, but I showed him how to make it turn both ways. And then showed him how to drive a screw in. 

At age Three and Five-Sixths, Sam proved to be really useful. As useful as this new drill I got for my birthday. And Sam was not scared of drills anymore.

So that morning, we finished putting together a wardrobe (80% done from previous day), a bedside table, a study desk and chair.

I'm looking forward to retiring from house DIY and mowing at a ripe age of 40.

Here's to starting

There are so many excuses you can make for not doing what you said you would.

For a long time I chewed over writing a blog.

WHY would any bloke in their right mind (who is not a stay at home dad or a poor writer or unemployed) subject himself to this?

Here are all the reasons to NOT BLOG:

1. It takes time. Time that a father of 2 boys does not have in great abundance.
2. It takes commitment. I'm an ideas man, I start, get bored and I stop. Cricket, rowing, kung fu, guitar, dancing, investing... you get the picture.
3. I'd rather go to sleep, read a book, go cave or play with my wife.
4. I sit at a desk all day staring at a screen and that screws up my back enough already.
5. You can go and have a good yarn to whoever you want to talk to!

Here are all the reasons TO BLOG:

1. I feel like I'm connecting with someone out there
2. To tell someone helps you reflect and collect your thoughts
3. I have a crappy memory and it helps me remember things
4. Writing helps me break out being brief and unintelligible (typical traits of an engineer so I've been told)
5. To be able to go back on it some time later and say - hey, I've made progress on writing and opening up
6. There must be other blokes out there who can't sleep, sick of books, who does not actually have a physical man cave yet and his wife does not want to play with him that night.
7. There are blokes who don't want to open up and talk about stuff - may be they need to see someone else have a go first.

And that's why. 

So cheer to my mate at work, the Pope for getting me on this one, Challenge #2: start a blog.