My dear child,
It is uncomfortable to feel alone and misunderstood.
It sucks to find yourself in places where other people find it hard to follow.
It is normal to yourself in a place where words don't come out right.
It is ok to not have the words match what you mean.
You won't always be stuck here.
Even if your friends don't listen or understand,
Even if your parents don't listen or understand,
Even if you don't understand,
There is someone who always listens and always understands.
He gives you the space to get it all out.
He is aware and does not cut you off.
He does not count your mistakes and faults against you.
He makes it ok to share your secrets.
He does not leave you in your guilt or shame.
He is glad to sit with you.
He knows when to help you to get up.
He knows how to guide you.
He has and gives you the resources to overcome.
My child, you are never alone.
Your Father is always with you.
Isaiah 41:10
Proverbs 1
Isaiah 9:6
Psalm 139
Matthew 28
James 1
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It was my son Sam who prompted me to write this.
When.
Unlike previous years, Father's Day this year is new for me. It was over a seemingly average lunch on Friday that I realised this. It has been really interesting mid week this week hearing from other fathers what fatherhood means for them. The way they were fathered. The way they father their own children. Yesterday, I reflected with other friends how I get to father my children differently. And today I got to share Father's Day this year with my own children.
So.
Here's what happened with me and Sam on Friday. It was his pupil free day and my work from home day. Sam was excited to tell me about what he is learning in history class, about the opium war in China. Something Sam said about England and China got me in a more careful inquiry and instruction mode.
But.
Sam did not feel heard.
Yet.
Here was the turning point that made this new. And instead of getting offended, his dad managed to ask a curious question, "What happened?"
Together.
We discovered Sam did not fully know what he wanted to express. Sam just wanted a space to work out his thoughts.
Ouch.
I realised in that moment how often I have been so quick to instruct, coach and rant. I have been sharing for my own sake. I personally know how sucky it is to be on the receiving end when you want to have the space to explore and work things out. It sucks.
Cringe.
In that moment I also realised the wonderful love of our Father in Heaven, and the immense honour he has also bestowed on me.
Wow.
I am presently imperfectly fathering my son, as my Heavenly Father perfectly fathers me.
Hey.
At 41, I am at this special turning and mixing point. I get to build on the educational, economic, social, emotion foundations my parents, and specifically, my father laid for me. There have been many moments where my parents, and specifically my father, just didn't understand me. I resented that. Cringed at that. And at the same time, my children are putting and will put up with my own imperfections. Now I get to learn about fatherhood from my Heavenly Father as I father my own children. This is so much like that "build a helicopter as you fly off the cliff" approach to that tech start-up you might have heard about.
Woah.
It is great to not have it together. I do not need to face Father's Day this year with that sense of inadequacy, regret, shame, disappointment like I used to. I feel so grateful I realised I really want to share this good stuff with you.
Yup.
Sam, Jimmy and Mim, your dad is still working on it.
Your Dad is also still working on it.
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If you have no idea what this feels like to be in this process of workingonit, you can watch this video with your child or father figure.
If you have lived it before and tend to forget, like I do, this letter is the one to meditate on.
